Its been over year since that night and there are still a lot of moments I forget about it and try to talk to you but I forget I can never again, at least not in this world. I think the scariest thing about this is that it happened once you became the happiest you ever were in your life. I learned in studies that once you’ve been forgiven for your wrongdoing, is when you get sent back to Heaven. You made your amends with everyone you beefed with, mended the relationships with your family, and even brought solos back to the table. You made so many accomplishments within such a short amount of time and then you left. Is that the true way to leave this world? If we aren’t punished by death, are we rewarded by being brought back to Heaven? It scares me because it looked so much like you found peace within yourself and that was the signal for you to go back where you belong….but I dont want you there. Thats so selfish of me but I want you here with me and everyone
I am at fault for many things. Maybe I am too lenient, maybe I dont conserve myself as much as I need to, but I just dont like the idea of keeping anyone or myself held down too tight. If there is a mutual respect publicly and privately that’s all I really need. I dont believe Im much of a jealous person anyways. But I do see a lot of fault in that. It doesn’t make me fight for people, because I let people come and go as they see fit for themselves. I just dont like to ask people to change their lives for me, and Id like to think I have never asked someone to do that for me either. But when I notice someone making changes to relieve any inconvenience for me, I remember what love and caring is.
Im soooo not the type to jump to conclusions while im still young, but the way this relationship has ended has made me really turned off by the thought of myself with anyone else right now or in the future. Im not sure if I could ever trust someone like that again for that many years or more. It takes a lot out of you to be accused for so many years of something that only your s/o would end up doing. I stayed true, I know I did. I did my part and more. I know I did. But there is always some part of me asking if I was ever enough and why it never works out on my end.
I love love, I really do. I love remembering how it felt to be lost in love and not even care. But I also remember the consequences even more and it is so traumatizing for me. I never learned to bounce back from it and I think I am pretty lame for not being able to look past certain things. But I never realized why it was so hard for so many people to put trust in others, while I was out here trusting everyone. It finally happened to me, I got hurt, I heard things I never wanted to hear, and now I am here.
I have always known I would be okay on my own, even if it meant for a lifetime. I have a very tough heart and I was able to sleep through the most painful moments in my life, but this time really hurt me and I am not sure how I will apply it later in life to my relationships, platonic or romantic. I feel much safer keeping my emotions to myself and never being intimate with anyone else again, but that sounds soooo naive right. This is the pain so many others go through and I can not believe this is real.
I seriously think theres something fucking mentally wrong with me but im too scared to go on and get tested. I dont want anymore medication I dont want treatment
i understand that my friends don’t wanna talk every day. i understand that my s/o doesn’t wanna be lovey dovey and super indulgent every day. lots of people need rest from performative emotions. all people need rest in general! it’s okay!! it doesn’t mean they don’t love me!! it’s not a judgement or punishment!! they deserve to take their rest, and they deserve for me to treat their needs with respect!
im practicing non-attachment. accepting what comes and allowing it to leave when it’s time. what is for me will be for me effortlessly
1. The same themes and patterns (which are usually self-defeating) keep reappearing, or repeating themselves.
2. Unresolved issues and heatache from your past, are stopping you from living and enjoying your life now. These are triggered more frequently and easily today.
3. You have trouble coping with powerful emotions – like overwhelming anger or excessive crying.
4. You feel anxious, restless and dissatisfied, and feel as if something needs to change in your life.
5. You feel dazed or shocked by something that has happened, and can’t pick up the pieces and “be normal” again.
6. You keep pushing down your feelings, and denying your emotions, but they keep resurfacing – and just won’t go away.
7. You make superficial changes as you’re scared of digging deeper. - but that doesn’t work for long as the real problem’s still there.
8. You can’t let go of something that meant a lot to you – a disappointment, or a failure, or a past relationship.
really sucks, the reality of it. but the more I talk about it, the more I realize I have to confront it. stop beating around the bush n allat shit. I told myself to do whats right, and now I see myself and im going for what I want instead of what I need.
idk the thought of it keeps making me angry. why would you put me in this position if you think you really love me? and why would you want me to stay anyways. the way I love, is to keep you safe and sane in all ways even if that means being without me. man we were just getting started and you had to throw this on me like it was an ultimatum
I see where your priorities stand and I truly respect them. I just know if we were ever to have a future, that I would have to worry about where I stand in those priorities haha.
but I have been through so much already, what more can hurt me at this point. its almost crazy that I almost think nothing of this anymore. I know im writing hella about it right now but I can go day by day just numb to it. some days ill just feel it and I have to think hard about the position im choosing to put myself in just to save you.
this is all bad timing and its okay. I know the universe or God isn’t out to get me, this is just how the world works and its not even the worst about it. there are bigger problems than a broken heart, I know. I get it. but I can’t control how much it hurts when it comes form someone like you
